The Unicorn Shoes

I'm going to coin a term right here to explain a glorious moment in my shopping career. That term is "Unicorn Shoes." Now when I say that, I'm not implying that they have a picture of a unicorn on them, nor are they made from real unicorns. I'm referring to a unicorn in the "Gone in 60 Seconds" sense.

To jog your memory:

Fred- What's a unicorn?
Donny - Fabled creature, you know the horse with the horn, impossible to capture. It's the one car no matter how many times you try to boost something always happens.

Let me begin at the beginning. It's 3 years ago. My friend Katie and I are at a shopping event. We happen across a table that has a pair of the greatest shoes I've ever seen sitting on it. They look like the shoes that Wonder Woman would wear on a date. They're fantastic. I have never wanted a pair of shoes like this so much in my life. Of course, I have ginormous monster feet, and there's no way they have them in my size. I ask the woman if they have them in an 11. She gives me a skeptical look, but then is shocked to find a pair in my size. I try them on. Magic. I must own them. How much are they? $250. *Record scratch*

Even then I waffled. I abhor paying that much for anything, but damn I wanted those shoes. I walked away. Surely I could find them cheaper online.

You know how this goes. Much like the infamous "Swift Heart Rabbit" incident of my youth, as soon as I went to search for them, they completely disappeared off the face of the earth. The Oh Deer Ginger Pumps are not to be had for any price in any size.

On top of that, the company's website disappeared, as apparently my desire for this shoe had driven it out of business. Folks, we have a Unicorn.

I don't exaggerate when I say that I have been periodically searching for these shoes ever since.

Well, guess what. This week, a miracle occurred. I don't know what possessed me to go to Ebay this week, but I did and I happened to run a search for the shoes.

There they were. Oh Deer Ginger Pumps Size 11. Worn once and she decided they made her too tall. Kids, I bought them for $28.75. Miracles happen.

And since I know you're dying to know what they look like, enjoy. I'll post a pic of me wearing them when they arrive. I may be too excited to sleep until they get here.

This Is What a Feminist Looks Like

As a girl who played the saxophone, I'm what a feminist looks like.

Feminist Rapper Episode 3: This Is What A Feminist Looks Like - watch more funny videos

Motherf---ing Surprise Gospel Choirs!

If you know me really well, you know that there is one magical thing that I love more than anything in the world. That one thing is a surprise gospel choir.

An excellent example of this is the wedding scene in "Love Actually."

It includes instruments, but I will allow it in the awesome category.

One of the best concerts I ever went to was Michael Buble performing a The Fabulous Fox Theatre in Atlanta. For his encore, he sang "That's Life" with a full, suprise gospel choir. I was moved. Moved.

When I get married, I fully intend to end the ceremony with a surprise gospel choir. It will happen, people.

What gets me on this subject? That would be a recent ad for the upcoming season of professional football, of all things. There is a commercial that has been played recently in Atlanta. It fills me with almost as much joy as the Old Spice guy commercials.

What could possibly get near the pleasure of a handsome, suave, shirtless man trying to sell me men's body wash? Samuel. L. Jackson. AND (pause for effect) a gospel choir. Yes, folks, the coolest Motherf---ing dude in the history of film and a be-robed hoarde of joyful noise makers. I'm in heaven (where I'm sure there is an awesome gospel choir).

So, Apparently I Suck at Blogging

I have been so busy with my new job, I haven't been a very good blogger. Please accept my apology in the form of a meme.

Books to the Sky

Books to the ceiling,
Books to the sky,
My pile of books is a mile high.
How I love them! How I need them!
I'll have a long beard by the time I read them.

- Arnold Lobel

I have a confession to make. I love books. More specifically, buying books. I love the idea of what is in it. I love the smell of new books. I love how it always mixes in my sensory memory with the aroma of coffee. "Jen," you may say, "There's nothing wrong with that."

Here's what's wrong with that. I have every intention of reading the books that I buy...as soon as I finish the book that I'm reading now. However, when I finish that book, I may be in the mood to read something else. Long story short, I have stacks, stacks (!) of unread books.

Today, I have made a vow. A solemn vow that I intend to keep. I will not buy any more books until I finish all of the unread books that I currently possess. In order to keep that promise, I'm going to list them right here until I finish them all.

1. Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs by Chuck Klosterman
2. Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter by Seth Grahame Smith
3. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson
4. The Girl who Played with Fire by Stied Larsson
5. Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut
6. About a Boy by Nick Hornby
7. Love is a Mix Tape by Rob Sheffield
8. The Road by Cormac McCarthy
9. Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim by David Sedaris
10. Always Looking Up by Michael J. Fox
11. I Like You by Amy Sedaris
12. When You Are Engulfed in Flames by David Sedaris
13. The Alexandria Link by Steve Berry*
14. Born Standing Up by Steve Martin*

* These are actually books I borrowed and haven't read yet, so they're going on the list.

Folks, I'm going to read 'em all. And then I'm going to get a library card and make my own coffee.

Barbecue is Not a Grill

It's the time of year where we all get the hankering to cook and (inexplicably) eat outdoors. Smokey meats doused in sticky sauce start to call our name. Ladies and Gentlemen, it's Barbecue

Season.

Now there's food cooked on a grill, and then there's Barbecue. For the unindoctrinated and the yankees, here's a charming musical primer on Southern Barbecue:

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Now, there's a lot of barbecue out there, but there's a limited supply of good barbecue. There are some simple rules to help you find the tastiest shredded meat in your area:

1. Word of mouth. Find someone who knows what they're talking about and get a barbecue recommendation. It may take several tries and much experimenting.
2. Look at the cook. As a general rule, the best barbecue is cooked by big good-ole-boys and served by sarcastic, gum chomping women with frizzy hair. If the staff doesn't resemble this, you may be in trouble.
3. Sides. Check the menu before you order. If it doesn't include mac n' cheese, brunswick stew, baked beans and banana pudding, leave right now.
4. Sauce. The best places will have a variety of sauces, from vinegar-based to tomato-based to mustard-based to spicy. If they only have one, it had better be a signature sauce, like Maurice's.
5. Sketchy appearance. It may seem counter-intuitive, but the best barbecue places look like condemned barns with clouds of smoke coming out of them. If the place you're at is shiny and well-lit, give up now.

You can also make barbecue at home. It's great for parties or outdoor events. Not too long ago, I made some that was quite delicious, if a little dry. I roasted a pork butt in the oven and then pulled it and put it in a crock pot with bbq sauce and the drippings. Before roasting, I rubbed it with paprika, salt, pepper and garlic powder on a dijon mustard base. For sauce, I used Williamson Brothers' sauce.

Yummmmmmm.

The Beatles Will Never Die

What is it about The Beatles that is so pervasive? This weekend got me thinking about it after sitting in the scorching South Carolina sun to watch a tribute band.

Somehow, a 4 man band from Liverpool has managed to achieve what so few have in the history of pop culture: eternal, untouchable coolness.

When I was in high school, my best friend and I would drive home every day singing along (with assigned harmonization) to One, a compilation album of The Beatles' #1 hits. We were really good, particularly on "Eight Days a Week."

My 12 year-old brother has recently become a huge Beatles fan after I suggested that he learn "Let It Be" for a piano recital. Now the Fab Four take up his iPod. He listens to them every night. Yesterday he referenced "Everybody's Got Something to Hide Except Me and My Monkey" while we were watching Indiana Jones. Tonight, I heard him singing "When I'm 64" in the shower.

What the heck is going on here? How does a kid that was born in 1998 get so much enjoyment out of a musical group that broke up in 1970?

Somehow, some way, The Beatles are timeless. I once chided a roommate when she told me that she stopped listening to their music after a bad break-up, because they were her boyfriend's favorite band. Infuriated, I told her, "The Beatles are bigger than love!" What a strange sentiment, but it doesn't feel false.

Now, I'm not going to analyze why The Beatles are important musically. There are 33 million Google entries that could probably do a better job of that. I'm sure it's pretty apparent that The Beatles made largely accessible, evolving, innovative music. It's not surprising that people still love it. What is amazing about The Beatles is the collective decision that we made, consciously or not, that they were impeachably cool for all eternity.

Now certainly, the death of John Lennon played a role in this. The best thing you can do for your career in entertainment is die young and unexpectedly. However, Paul McCartney lived on, as did Ringo and George, for the time being. The heart was dead, but the soul lived on.

I think, in the end, it's a combination of factors, beginning with an insane rise to fame (what would be called Bieberesque today), an unprecedented consistency of artistic relevancy, a break-up that left the world wanting more, a villain to blame in Yoko, and finally a tragic death.

Somehow, this all led to The Beatles taking #1 on everybody's all-time lists of everything great. Seriously, have you ever met anyone who would admit to not liking The Beatles. All I know is that, even when we've lost Paul and Ringo, even when the music is 100 years old, people will still love it and listen to it.

All you need is love, and The Beatles are bigger than love.